These are my roll models.
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*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday