Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.