Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
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My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”