As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
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The biggest mystery of our time
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Chemical wingman
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
selena gomez