me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”