Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.