TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
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Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?