I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.