I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
You Might Also Like
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
kids play hide and seek like
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”