Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
You Might Also Like
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff