I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
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ACED my prostate exam!
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
…żyje?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.