*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You Might Also Like
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.