Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.