If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.