My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
You Might Also Like
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.