“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
You Might Also Like
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The Friday File.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.