If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.