You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
You can’t rush stupid.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks