You Might Also Like
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
shit just got real
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets