Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
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ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production