Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
You Might Also Like
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Velcrow
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
How high do the levels go?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life