Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
That’s enough internet for the day
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
These work great until they don’t.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright