If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Favourite diary entry ever
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside