Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape