Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Meow
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral