Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
You Might Also Like
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Always a metermaid never a meter
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“What?”
– Jude
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?