“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
You Might Also Like
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’m having an out of money experience.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.