Oh boy, $150,000!
You Might Also Like
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.