This meeting could have been a cake
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The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Yoga Matt
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-