I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Planet of the Apps.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*