could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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Always a housemaid, never a house.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
when you are just born a rebel
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady