Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Attacked by a mop.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD