every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah