Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Hard not to take this personally
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
We need to put an American base on the sun
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats