If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Can Happiness buy money?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap