Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
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When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.