Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?