My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
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[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Cake safety first. Always.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
who did the taste test?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken