Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Why I divorced her.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Attacked by a mop.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?