What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.