Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude