One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
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[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Admin smashed it 😂
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
A new level of troll.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.