a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.