“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]