I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
crochet youtube is brutal
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.