Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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Omg 🤣
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Them: You should try keto
Me:
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.