Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.