“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?