Body by sandwich.
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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I鈥檓 candy bars lol
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
President The Rock Obama
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I鈥檓 wrong but I don鈥檛 think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 馃槓
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Plant care tips
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me