Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
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Ok but actually
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?